BROKEN LOVE

MY Spectre around me night and day

Like a wild beast guards my way;

My Emanation far within

Weeps incessantly for my sin.

‘A fathomless and boundless deep,

There we wander, there we weep;
on the hungry craving wind

My Spectre follows thee behind.

'He scents thy footsteps in the snow

Wheresoever thou dost go,

Thro’ the wintry hail and rain.

When wilt thou return again?

’Dost thou not in pride and scorn

Fill with tempests all my morn,

And with jealousies and fears

Fill my pleasant nights with tears?

‘Seven of my sweet loves thy knife

Has bereavèd of their life.

Their marble tombs I built with tears,

And with cold and shuddering fears.

‘Seven more loves weep night and day

Round the tombs where my loves lay,
And seven more loves attend each night

Around my couch with torches bright.

‘And seven more loves in my bed

Crown with wine my mournful head,

Pitying and forgiving all

Thy transgressions great and small.

‘When wilt thou return and view

My loves, and them to life renew?

When wilt thou return and live?

When wilt thou pity as I forgive?’

‘O’er my sins thou sit and moan:

Hast thou no sins of thy own?
O’er my sins thou sit and weep,

And lull thy own sins fast asleep.

‘What transgressions I commit

Are for thy transgressions fit.

They thy harlots, thou their slave;

And my bed becomes their grave.

‘Never, never, I return:

Still for victory I burn.

Living, thee alone I’ll have;

And when dead I’ll be thy grave.

‘Thro’ the Heaven and Earth and Hell

Thou shall never, quell:

I will fly and thou pursue:

Night and morn the flight renew.’

‘Poor, pale, pitiable form

That I follow in a storm;

Iron tears and groans of lead
Bind around my aching head.

‘Till I turn from Female love

And root up the Infernal Grove,

I shall never worthy be
To step into Eternity.

‘And, to end thy cruel mocks,

Annihilate thee on the rocks,

And another form create

To be subservient to my fate.

‘Let us agree to give up love,

And root up the Infernal Grove;

Then shall we return and see

The worlds of happy Eternity.

‘And throughout all Eternity

I forgive you, you forgive me.
As our dear Redeemer said:

“This the Wine, and this the Bread.”’

William Blake

When are You Grown?

When do you know that you're an adult?  When is that you know that you can't run home again?  Is it when you graduate from high school?  Is that an instant induction to adulthood?  Or is it when you pack your car full of all the necessities and drive off for that first time?  Maybe it's when you have your first place and a real job living on top ramen and diet dr pepper so that you can afford gas, rent and cool clothes and the only time you really eat is when you show up for Sunday dinner or go on a date.  Or is it when you have your first real heart break.  Your tears must make you an adult, right?  Maybe it's when you give birth to your first child.  When you hold that beautiful creature in your arms and see his sweet little face and know everything was worth all the trouble you went through to have him.  Maybe it's when you say I do to the man you fell instantly in love with.

I don't really know, most of the time I don't feel like I'm all that grown up.  Even though I have a son who will be 11 in 3 weeks and my baby will be 9 two weeks after that.  My stepson who I've just gotten to know well in the past year is thinking about getting married to a girl who seems nice, although I haven't actually met her yet.  He's happy and that makes me happy.  

But, sometimes a song will come on the radio that will remind me of some crazy party, club, or boyfriend that I had at the time the song came out and during the time I was  scrimping and saving  every penny to pay my bills and tuition and keep from having to move home.   I'll daydream for a bit about what it used to be like and then back to reality.  Somewhere along the way the partying stopped being important, once I had those beautiful little boys with their dark brown hair and beautiful big brown eyes that follow me everywhere and still think that I'm the smartest Mama they know.  Everything that was once important isn't any longer. 

One of my dearest friends died 2 weeks ago.  He was 89 1/2 years old.  He always said if you want to stay young be around young at heart people, grow old by being around old fogies.  I will never let my hair grow grey, I will always dance in the rain and snow, I'll always make snow angels with my boys, color with crayons and blow bubbles to make the cats dance and little boys laugh, I'll always crank the radio when I hear one of my favorite songs, dance just to dance and keep my hair long because my husband thinks I'm beautiful that way and I myself love my hair long, I will always feel just a little like a gypsy at heart.  I love flashy jewelry, painting abstract realism, my crazy dogs, listening to music of every sort, cooking new recipes and traveling around the world and starting conversations in mid sentence with my friends that I've had since I was a little girl. 

I hope that someday when I pass on my sons will have nothing but fond memories of our time together just  like my friend's family has of him.

Watching My Son Struggle

My 8 1/2 year old son has ADHD. He is smart, funny, imaginative, sensitive, loving, well mannered and wild. He can in the range of a day take you through every emotion known to man. He didn't speak until he was almost 2 1/2 but has made up for it since. He didn't have to speak. He has a big brother who spoke and did for him.

My son is the product of a very, very tumultuous relationship with a beautiful man suffering from a classic case of Peter Pan syndrome. Our relationship was never violent physically but emotionally we tore each other apart. It did not lend itself well to an easy pregnancy and my older son has had anger issues as a result of seeing us fight for so long. I have no idea how many times we separated and reconciled.

The hard thing is that my son looks just like his dad and mimics some of his mannerisms so well that I want to tell him Stop! Don’t do that again. But how could I do that to my little boy. He has the most beautiful eyes. They are very dark brown just like his father and I have.

When my son was in preschool the teacher suggested that we hold him back a year before enrolling him in Kindergarten. My son's father would not hear of it. His family is traditional Mexican. They are very good people who love my son but could not and still really do not accept that there is something different about our child. My son went to Kindergarten and was a hit with the kids and teachers. I've never gotten a bad behavior report from school on this child. Although there was a table dancing incident in the library once. Kindergarten was when we really began to see struggles emerge. He had trouble sitting still and cutting things out. You wouldn't think that this would be a major problem, but apparently it is.

His struggles at school continued and I got tired of telling his father about calls and reports from his teacher so I made his dad go with me to conferences and to have our son tested for possible ADHD. People who say that ADHD is not a real disorder but is a result of bad parenting really, really do NOT know what they are talking about. You watch your child struggle with homework or get upset when he can't make friends or cry and cry because a pet died or the topper is when he does dangerous stunts to impress other kids so that they'll like him. When these people say nasty things to parents of children with ADHD you have no idea how much you are pushing a raw nerve and how badly I want to tell you off, but won't because my sons are watching.

I found that the doctors weren't actually the obstacle - it was the school. They have so many children with different difficulties that they actually want a child to be medicated so that the blame for ignoring a child’s needs or downplaying them is not on their shoulders. If there is an educator reading this, please do not get defensive, this is true I speak from personal experience and talking to many parents with children like mine. You may not have had to deal with this directly but we've been in 2 school districts and dealt with 3 different principles, 6 teachers and 4 psychologists who wanted more and more medication for our 50 lb child. It's hard enough now to get him to finish his food, unless it's homemade macaroni or pot roast.

Our son was finally diagnosed with mild ADHD and mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We had a great doctor who finally helped put everything in order and explained our son's learning disability to us in a way we could understand and not feel guilty that we'd permanently damaged him.

It took us 8 months to get an IEP (Individual Education Program). We had been told by our previous school district that one was in place, this proved to be a cover-up. Someone in the counseling department had dropped the ball. This IEP would ensure that our child could learn Math (which was his primary difficulty) in a way that he would not be penalized for not being able to keep up with the rest of the class. That he could have a break during tests and get to walk around in the hall way or test away from other kids so that he would not be a distraction or they would not distract him. It is absolutely unbelievable in this day and age how many teachers are resistant to a change in protocol. My mom has a friend who works in Special Services and has advised me many times of who to talk to or what services could benefit my child. She has been a Godsend. Finally our child is starting to "get" math and seems to want to do it more. His handwriting is still atrocious and drives the teachers and me crazy.

We are supposed to review the IEP in a couple of weeks. I am dreading this somewhat because the teachers for the most part don't want to be troubled by the extra work of teaching one child differently than the others. The special education teacher has been great but getting the regular teachers to adhere to the IEP even if it is a legal document has been difficult. I worry that they are rude to my child because of this and he doesn't tell me because he knows I'll go to the school and raise a fuss.

My son’s father is on board now that he's heard so many different voices telling him about problems that our son has had and seen the real progress that he's making with the help of tutoring from the Math department. My family has always been supportive of our son's struggles they went through it themselves with my 2nd oldest brother. However my son's fathers family is not on board they think that this is a phase to be grown out of and that since he lives with me I'm not doing something right.

My sweet husband keeps giving me pep talks. He's been through all of this ADHD drama with his son who is 21 now and is slowly turning into a great man. I know that my little boy will be okay but it breaks my heart to hear him want to give up on something difficult and to so easily think that people are his friends. He is my baby and I've had to fight so hard to get him the help that he's needed that I have a hard time realizing that he is getting older and all too soon I won't be able to make things better for him like I want to.

Starry Nights

One of the things that I love about living in the country are the stars.  I love being able to sit outside with my kids at night and look at the beautiful sky all around us.  There are no trees to block our view.  No cars honking or driving by to distract us.  My 11 year old can name quite a few of the constellations.  He's learned them from sleeping under the constellation exhibit at the Seattle Science Center during 4-H weekend.  I had no idea that he knew these.  I know where the big dipper is and sometimes I can find the Northern Star.  My littlest would like to attend this year and maybe, just maybe he'll get to go.  He's a little wilder than his brother.  He wants to go to summer camp this year with his brother so Science weekend would be a good trial. 

We love to talk about how old the stars are and how far away they are.  The boys always debate which ones have aliens living on them and what they like to do. 

How many other families sit out under the stars having conversations like this?  I'd like to think quite a few.  To me it's one of those stolen moments that I'll cherish forever.  Time with my children to hear them imagine.  All too soon they won't have time to sit with Mommy.  But for now I'll take all the starry nights that I can and feel sorry for those parents that didn't take 15 minutes to sit outside with their kids and look at the moon and stars.

Much Madness is divinest Sense

Much Madness is divinest Sense —

To a discerning Eye —

Much Sense — the starkest Madness —

’Tis the Majority

In this, as All, prevail —

Assent — and you are sane —

Demur — you’re straightway dangerous —

And handled with a Chain —

-by Emily Dickinson

Kissing Frogs

How many frogs have you kissed? Are you one of those "lucky" few who married your first love right out of high school or college? How do you know that you didn't just marry a frog and that Prince/Princess Charming is still out there and you just missed them as you were driving by? One of my high school friends married her high school sweetheart and she used to say that all she wanted to do was get married, have kids and be a housewife. Well mission accomplished! She did it, and you know what? He has a head full of gray hair and she always has this pinched look on her face. They're only 33. So did they find love for all time? Well I'd like to think so because they are nice people and have never really done anything wrong as far as I know. They just chose another life than the one I had envisioned for myself. I, too, had that high school boyfriend that I was going to marry, have 2.5 kids with and celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary with some day, but he turned out to be a frog. Or maybe I was his frog, I don't know. We were, however, a beautiful couple together and would have had beautiful babies if the whole thing hadn't gone wrong. We had one of those breakups where you just don't fight anymore, one person leaves to go do something and the other just packs up and leaves. I left while he was at work.

So my question is do you have to kiss the frogs before you know you've found the right one? What if the right one was just having a bad day or chapped lips? Do you throw him/her on the discard pile anyway? I myself have kissed many froggies and at least 2 toads. The toads unfortunately I'm stuck with for a while, since I have children with them. I asked some of my friends how many frogs they had to kiss and several agreed that you had to kiss frogs before you found your prince/princess, but they had indeed found their prince/princess after all the kissing. So to truly know and appreciate your prince you must have to kiss a frog, right? How many do you kiss before you become a serial frog kisser?
10 years ago I would most likely not have given my prince a second thought. I probably would have given him the kiss off. Back then I was a self-involved princess that was used to getting her way and only cared about partying, having a good time, new clothes and a cute boyfriend. I would have said oh, yeah he's cute and then moved on. My prince is 14 years older than me. He was fighting in Lebanon in the Marines when I was in grade school. But having survived my frog kissing days I've found that he's the only one I want to kiss. Some of my friends were floored that I would marry a man 14 years my senior. "What do you have in common?" or "He's so much older than you." were common phrases when I announced our engagement and soon after marriage. He is my prince because of the way he treats me, the way he looks at me, and the way he lets me be crazy or silly and still loves me. He has had his share of frogs too, so he has learned to let a lot of things slide that aren't worth getting worked up over.
I've been thinking about this frog theory some lately, because our oldest just had his heart stomped on by a girl that he thought was "the one." They had dated for quite a while a couple of years ago, but she moved and they broke up. She started seeing someone else but kept talking to our son as friends. She must have had a fight with her boyfriend and had gone back to our son to make the other guy jealous. She then decided to go back to her boyfriend telling our son "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Ouch, ouch, ouch. He's only 20 so this whole ordeal has been earth shattering. He's getting over it and in a couple weeks he'll move on to another girl.
Our almost 11 year old is starting to discover that girls are not so bad and always has girls coming up to him to talk at football or basketball games. I wish that the boys didn't have to kiss frogs and maybe they'll luck out and only have to kiss a few before they find their princess. Who knows?
At least our littlest still thinks girls are gross and infested with cooties for now.
Although I must end this on the note that there is hope for first loves being “The One.” Another of my friends and her high school boyfriend have been married for 15 years and are still hopelessly in love with each other and want to spend time together. He just built her a beautiful house and they have 3 beautiful kids together. So there is hope for the fairy tale after all.

Surviving the Swamp

My sons asked me to write down my adventure in the swamp. So here goes:


In November 2009 during Thanksgiving vacation. I was visiting my husband in Charleston, South Carolina. He had to work most of the time so I again had researched different spots that I wanted to take in while there. I had a good time walking around Charleston seeing the different sites and taking lots and lots of pictures. My absolute favorite was south of Charleston at Drayton Hall. But that's a different story.

I had been site seeing for several days and visiting with my husband's family and co-workers and decided that I needed to get out into nature and see the real South Carolina. I had read about Moncks Corner Swamp Garden. It was 80 acres of open swamp that you can explore by row boat. I have lived my entire life in the desert. Not sandy Sahara desert, but sagebrush, cliffs, 114 dry heat and bitterly cold Northern winters. So I wanted to take the opportunity to see a swamp and take pictures with my new camera. Wow did I get some pictures!

The Garden started off innocently enough. There was a lovely hot house that had many different butterfly specimens flying around, birds and lots of different flowers and plants native to the South East. I moved on to the Reptile building and took pictures for my sons as I knew they would want to see the scary snakes and alligators. There were 2 alligators in a pond fenced off from the public. I watched the alligators laying there in the water and marveled at how large their mouths were. After finishing the snake house tour I went in and asked the clerk how much for the swamp tour. She asked me whether I knew how to row a boat and I said yes I do. She told me then that since I knew how to row I didn't need a guide and the tour was free. I should proceed on down to the boat house, pick out a seat cushion, oar and boat and follow the white arrows nailed to the trees. That was it, nothing more. What a false sell!

I found a row boat and got it untied and started paddling. Right next to the boathouse is an island that had been used by Francis Marion "The Swamp Fox" during the American Revolution to hide from the British. It had an abandoned Spanish Mission on it at that time. Nothing now is left except gate posts. I should mention at this time that the 80 acres of swamp had been dug out by slave labor when their master had grown tired of growing rice in that area and wanted a swamp for his amusement. OK! sounds fun doesn't it? I took some great pictures of the swamp and followed the arrows along until (cue corny horror music) my husband called and asked me what I was doing. I told him about my swamp ride and he started laughing and told me to be careful of water moccasins swimming up to the boat and crawling in with me. What! Anyone who knows me knows that I am deathly afraid of snakes any shape, form or anything. The possibility of running into them really hadn’t crossed my mind. So I started paddling a little faster, looking over my shoulder as I went to make sure the snakes hadn't been woken up by the ringing of the phone and decided to murder me. I was so freaked out and irrational at this point that I missed several of the arrows.

Now the woman at the desk had told me that I would have to go under many footbridges during my tour. I came up to a bridge so low that I had to lean all the way back in the boat and keep paddling. As soon as I cleared the bridge I realized that I was in trouble and indeed very, very lost. If you have ever been near a swamp or mucky pond you know how the green gunk on top closes in behind you and erases your path. I had no option except to go forward. I looked at my map and read again 80 ACRES of OPEN Swamp. I spotted an old decrepit dock about 200 feet away with a strange metal framework around it. I decided that I needed to get out of the boat ASAP. I started rowing over to the dock and got stuck on roots. Oh my goodness was I scared. I had earlier tried my oar in the water to see how deep the swamp was and it went WAY over the oar. So I worked my way off the roots and started paddling again and lo and behold I saw a snout come up out of the water. I had been told earlier that there weren't alligators in the wild near Charleston. Those people need to shut up and get their facts straight. There are indeed alligators alive and well in the wilds of Moncks Corner, South Carolina. The snout went down leaving ripples in the water. Oh my heck did I start paddling fast. I probably looked like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Dammit I got stuck again on the first trees cousin’s roots. As I was desperately working my way off without capsizing I saw a ridge of an alligator go by about 20 feet away. I said some bad words and started paddling again, more quickly. I made it to the dock, threw my camera up so that if the alligator attacked someone would eventually find the camera and let my family know where I died. I tied the boat up to the metal frame and got out of the boat. I stood there for a second deciding what to do and suddenly had flashbacks of every stupid Sci-Fi Channel movie I've ever watched with alligators. So I decided to leave the boat and walk back to the boathouse.

Needless to say I went the wrong way and ended up in a very, very scary Horror movie graveyard and then had to walk 2 miles back. I was so frustrated, tired and hot by the time that I got back. No one was around the place when I got back so I just walked out and left.

My husband later told me that the metal frame was probably an alligator feeding station. I would like to think that he was teasing me. For his sake. This story has brought many laughs and amusement to my friends and family. So here you go boys. Here's mama's crazy swamp survival story.