When are You Grown?

When do you know that you're an adult?  When is that you know that you can't run home again?  Is it when you graduate from high school?  Is that an instant induction to adulthood?  Or is it when you pack your car full of all the necessities and drive off for that first time?  Maybe it's when you have your first place and a real job living on top ramen and diet dr pepper so that you can afford gas, rent and cool clothes and the only time you really eat is when you show up for Sunday dinner or go on a date.  Or is it when you have your first real heart break.  Your tears must make you an adult, right?  Maybe it's when you give birth to your first child.  When you hold that beautiful creature in your arms and see his sweet little face and know everything was worth all the trouble you went through to have him.  Maybe it's when you say I do to the man you fell instantly in love with.

I don't really know, most of the time I don't feel like I'm all that grown up.  Even though I have a son who will be 11 in 3 weeks and my baby will be 9 two weeks after that.  My stepson who I've just gotten to know well in the past year is thinking about getting married to a girl who seems nice, although I haven't actually met her yet.  He's happy and that makes me happy.  

But, sometimes a song will come on the radio that will remind me of some crazy party, club, or boyfriend that I had at the time the song came out and during the time I was  scrimping and saving  every penny to pay my bills and tuition and keep from having to move home.   I'll daydream for a bit about what it used to be like and then back to reality.  Somewhere along the way the partying stopped being important, once I had those beautiful little boys with their dark brown hair and beautiful big brown eyes that follow me everywhere and still think that I'm the smartest Mama they know.  Everything that was once important isn't any longer. 

One of my dearest friends died 2 weeks ago.  He was 89 1/2 years old.  He always said if you want to stay young be around young at heart people, grow old by being around old fogies.  I will never let my hair grow grey, I will always dance in the rain and snow, I'll always make snow angels with my boys, color with crayons and blow bubbles to make the cats dance and little boys laugh, I'll always crank the radio when I hear one of my favorite songs, dance just to dance and keep my hair long because my husband thinks I'm beautiful that way and I myself love my hair long, I will always feel just a little like a gypsy at heart.  I love flashy jewelry, painting abstract realism, my crazy dogs, listening to music of every sort, cooking new recipes and traveling around the world and starting conversations in mid sentence with my friends that I've had since I was a little girl. 

I hope that someday when I pass on my sons will have nothing but fond memories of our time together just  like my friend's family has of him.